TRYING TO DEAL WITH A PROBLEM

Trying to deal with a problem   1976

‘Not responding to treatment’ is what he actually said. How can pills be treatment? All they do is make my mind heavy and grey like wet cement churning in a mixer. I told him that, but he just gave me some different ones to take as well. They don’t work though.
Slippers, I suppose I need them.
Nothing works, there’s just this dark giant black something inside me and it eats me up.
If I was cut open there would just be black there, no matter where you cut, just black nothing. Or something, that something, what is it, why does it do this to me, take me over? I want it to be different, but the pills, they just give it more power.
Will I need a flannel?
Half past two I’ve got to be there. Tom is taking me. Just for a rest the doctor said. I don’t want to go, I don’t want to stay. I don’t want to go to sleep and I don’t want to wake up anymore.
‘Tell me how you feel today Claire’ the doctor said earlier. But I don’t know, so how can I say. That’s the whole point, I want to know but don’t know, and no-one will accept that.


The previous year
Is that what you really believe? Then you are just the same as the rest of them. You have no idea, none of you have any idea what my life is like. I go to that stupid man every week and listen to him talk about how I am like my mum, that this is an inherited condition. More convenient, I would say, easy for everyone to just give me a damn label and then file me away.
So every problem in the world can be sorted by pills can it? No, it can’t. I am telling you that it can’t, because I know it can’t.
And to think I told you because I actually thought you would understand, be willing to stand besides me and help me fight this. I really thought that you of all people would believe me. You’re supposed to be my closest friend. How much more stupid can I get. I finally start to share just a fragment of what is happening to me, and you, my best friend, ask ‘Are you sure it’s like that? The mind can play strange tricks, you know’.
Then you tell me that the doctors they have years of experience. You tell me to give them a chance, that they want me to get well and know what is best for me. Not for me, they don’t. They have no experience of me at all. They don’t even listen when I do try and talk to them. They just want me to surrender to their decision and their treatment. So, they won’t help me if I don’t take the pills, they say there is nothing else they can do if I don’t co-operate. And you don’t believe me, and I’ve only told you one tiny thing; just one tiny thing. So I guess that just leaves me where I started then.

Activity 7.4

SONNET 1

Through all my life I thought that I would be
Someone who always struggled with their past
And all my hopes of ever being free
Were just a pile of dreams that couldn’t last
With aching heart and shattered soul I tried
To rise above the dirt that dragged me down
In every grain a little of me died
And smiling was much harder than to frown
But being down is such a waste of time
We only get one chance to live today
And not to grasp it would be such a crime
Decades too late I’m learning how to play
The past is past I’ve laid it all to rest
So glad that I have got it of my chest

Inheritance

Just look at you,
do it this way,
do it that way.
What you need to do is this ... or that.

Like you know everything and your life is all in order and up for scrutinising. Nice house, all neat and tidy, two cars on the drive, no debt. Like you said so many times, your children will never behave like mine have. You would not stand for it. Just like you wouldn’t have MDF, only stripped pine, no cheap stuff for you. And so you went on, and on, and on.

Just like he did all my life, just like a dripping tap … torture.
So proper,
so sorted,
so structured.

The voice too,
the ‘Gooood Arfternooon’,
you know the one that goes with the china cups and saucers and the tea tray and squares of Madeira cake followed by linen serviettes to wipe the pinkies.

Nothing wrong with that,
except you deliver it with a spoonful of ‘See, this is how it should be done, therefore you fail’
instead of lump sugar and sugar tongs.

He was the same,
Hold your knife properly or else eat in the kitchen,
remove yourself from the table,
you disgust me.

I probably did,
disgust him,
that is.
After all I got it wrong from the start,
I was a girl, not the son and heir he wanted.
And what was all that ‘Breathe quietly, you are disturbing me or go to your room’
You want to try it sometimes, listen to how loud you are breathing and then work out if it too noisy.
Actually, don’t bother, I’ll tell you what it’s like, because you stop, breathing …
you stop and try and catch silent seconds of air,
just enough to keep you going until it is acceptable to leave the room.
Then you inhale like your life depends on it.
And it’s a tone of voice thing,
you both have it,
you and him,
makes sense since you are his daughter.
Authoritative verbal power.
My skin fails me,
lets me down,
because the words seep through my skin,
filter into my veins and use my body like it’s the worlds longest rollercoaster ride.
Spinning,
twisting,
running in and out of my brain,
up,
over
and through my heart
draining me,
weakening me so I cannot fight back.

OUT TO LUNCH

My psycho’s
are
in therapy

My counsel’s
being
counselled
and
I
am
free

if
you
fancy
joining me

JUST WANDERING

So where are we going then mind
what journey shall we take
what shall we look at
those fish in the river that no-one else could see
I swear they were there
but Dad said that I was imagining things
and that was lying so I must be careful
Lying is bad
but when it is real to me is that I lie
Say what you mean
tell the truth
but what is the truth
what you want to hear or what I saw
which one is a lie
I’m older now
try and tell it how it is
not get too near to drowning
by holding on to the rocks
slipping but just saving my sanity
so that you are saved
by not hearing what you do not want to hear
What a mess this truth lie business
Thoughts racing around in my head
memories, real things
real times, real moments
with nowhere to go
I lose either way
tell you and you get angry
don’t tell you and you get angry
Strange world
but I am hanging in there
wet, bruised and catching a glimpse
of the most beautiful sunset that your back is turned to ...

WHAT I GOT

I ain’t got a dad like you
Mine don’t tell me what to do
Let’s me do just what I like
So I stay out on my bike

And me mum is different too
Don’t give me no jobs to do
Let’s me eat pizza every day
Don’t make me put me stuff away

Me brother he don’t have a clue
What the ‘ell I get up to
Truth is even he don’t care
Too busy spiking up his hair

So you want to be me, do you
Doing anything you want to do
You don’t know nothing, idiot
I’ve got nothing, you’ve got the lot



MarieAntoinette
25.01.2009

BE SAFE

So your childhood has caused all this
And you blame it all on your parents
Just children themselves who got screwed up
And then blamed it all on their parents
Who had tried to do the best they could
But then they blamed it on their parents
Who’d tried to provide a better life
From the one they’d had from their parents

You have chosen to feed off all that shite
And blame the things that they didn’t get right

Well if you don’t want kids with stuffed up lives
And then blaming it on their parents

Use a condom






MarieAntoinette
21.01.2009

after reading the words in a newspaper ‘Who’s to blame’

FEAR

School report under my pillow
With the watch I broke yesterday
How am I going to tell him

Learn to behave like a lady
Sit, knees together, don't fidget
But the rules change every day

Speak when you are spoken to
Don’t be sullen and say nothing
I never know which one to do

Use your initiative my girl
Who asked for your opinion
Is imagination so wrong

I said hold your knife properly
And sit up to the table girl
The more I try the worse it gets

Don’t start crying like a baby
You don’t know how lucky you are
You can just get to bed my girl

Do you want the back of my hand
You need to be taught a lesson
Did you bring your school report home

Created from the title and old memories
.

SHOES IN A CHARITY SHOP

We’ll go first they said with pride
Navy extra wide, elastic sides
Don’t think because of our clumsy look
We don’t have memories to write a book
They emptied out her wardrobe today
Took all her clothes and shoes away
But we all had a story to tell
Of days before, when she was well
Us, we went to her daughters wedding
In a wheel chair too, confounded thing
But we saw her eyes, like diamonds glisten
And felt her pride as she intently listened
To her only child who offered her life
To the man she loved, to be his wife
We looked a picture, let us tell you too
Complimenting a suit of pale sky blue
Now she’s gone unsaved, despite her wealth
And we’re now stuck here on this shelf

And we, my darlings, have had to let go
To a wondrous life, said the pink stilettos
You would not believe the life we’ve led
Paris, Rome, cruises on the Med
Champagne, caviar, salmon and cucumber
Always dressed in a slinky number
A dashing man dangling on each arm
She oozed with confidence and charm
But then the years were not so kind
When alcohol muddled up her mind
Friends then started to fall away
Said they would call her another day
We stayed in a box for years and years
Among feather boas and long dried tears
Last week she threw us all away
We’d rather hoped that we would stay
But we did the rounds, covered the map
And now the cat’s sat on her lap

A little voice you could hardly hear
Said We’re not even supposed to be here
We should be at the park with Molly
Having a picnic under the oak tree
Said the cute little size five red T bar’s
With little pink embroidered stars
We’d always dreamed that we would be
Dipped in gold for the Christmas tree
We’ve been with her everywhere
Steadied her when she let go of the chair
Toddled in daisies in the sun
Splashed a few puddles, that was fun
But Molly’s grown just a little bit
And the shoe lady said that we don’t fit
Her feet are bigger and need new shoes
Patent with bows they’ll probably choose
And now we’re here we will never know
If Molly remembers how we loved her so

Don’t be down, you did your job
Said the size twelve brogues with the laces off
We all have our moment; that much is true
And in that moment, do the best we can do.
We both got into a spot of bother
Running around on the feet of a robber
Spent the night in a cold police cell
Got displayed in court as evidence as well
Policeman put our laces into the bin
In case old Smithy tried to do himself in
Stupid really, because he was only hungry
And sadly didn’t have any money
He wasn’t a villain, just an old man
Sleeping at night in a broken down van
At least for now he’s in the warm
In the King’s Cross homeless shelter dorm
Just look at us all, what a motley crew
Leather memories … and a bit of plastic too!

.

OUR SECRET

I like the windows at Granny’s. They get all cloudy when it’s cold and I draw aeroplanes on them and bomb Gramps’ old metal soldiers that are on the window sill. Gramps plays too, sometimes, but Granny says we mess up her windows and give her more work to do. Gramps says that she’s never happier than when she’s grumbling. Some soldiers have got heads and arms missing, but that’s good, cos we pretend the bombs got them. They’re the Germans.
He says the game we play on the window is called a ‘dog-fight’. That’s silly though, cos dogs can’t fly, but Gramps says that’s what they called it in the war, so it must be true.

I’m living with Granny and Gramps cos my mum’s in the hospital. She got sick when my dad died. I heard Auntie Jackie say that she’s got suicide and she’s broken down, so I don’t think she can get better cos suicide can make you die. I don’t want her to die too. I want her to stay with me.
I can see the train track from the bedroom window. The trains shake the house when they go by and everyone stops talking, cos you can’t hear anything. It’s like being in a wobbly jelly house. Gramps says it’s good if Granny’s grumbling then, cos he can’t hear her, but he’s just joking me. He’s always creeping up behind her in the kitchen, telling her how cuddly she is and then stealing a toffee for us, out of her apron pocket. Granny grumbles that he’s getting in the way, but she’s just joking too. He says she once was so tiny he could get his hands round her waist. Now he has to use both his arms!

Mums old teddy, Rugless, sleeps in my bed and I bought Eenuff elephant with me. I take him everywhere. Well, not to school, cos he’s not allowed there. When I was a baby I kept sucking one of the ears and it got all messy, so Granny made him new ones out of Gramps’ old shirt, so now he’s got blue and grey stripy ears. Oh, and button eyes, cos the felt ones fell off as well. He can have button eyes now I am big, but they would be dangerous for babies. Dad used to make him fly round the room and then he would tickle me on my belly with him. My dad is the best. I think God made a mistake when he come and got him, and I will tell him too, when I go to Heaven. Bad people should go first, but not to Heaven. They have to go to Hell.
‘Shoot the lot of ‘em, bloody IRA. Let ‘em rot in ‘ell’ That’s what Dad and Gramps says.
My dad weren’t bad; he got squashed by a lorry at work.

I went to see Mum yesterday. Me, Granny and Gramps went in the car. I sat in the front and Granny sat in the back. It was brill. Eenuff sat next to Granny. Mum has been in the hospital for three Saturdays now. I heard Gramps telling Granny that I was not old enough to go there, but Granny said
‘Look George, The boy needs to see his mum and we are taking him tomorrow.’ You always know Granny is going to get her own way when she says ‘Look George.’ Mum laughs when she says it, cos she says the argument is already won. She don’t laugh at the moment though, she cries a lot and forgets things. That’s why I’m living with Granny and Gramps. I had to make cornflakes for my dinner all by myself, and we had no milk cos Mum forgot we had none. And I didn’t have my favorite pyjamas for four Saturdays cos they was in the wash basket. One day I couldn’t wake Mum up, so I asked Jenny next door to wake her up for me cos I was hungry. She called Granny and the ambulance came and took Mum to the hospital and Granny took me back to her house.

The hospital is really, really old, like before God was born. No-one had coloured in the bricks like they do now. Gramps says that soldiers what got shot in the war came here. When I asked him what for, he said ‘They had jumbled brains worse than your toy box, lad.’ Gramps’ cheeks always go red and his eyes go all watery when he talks about the war. His dad died like mine did, only not by a lorry, but in a big mud field when he was fighting the Germans, and no-one ever, ever found him. Granny says Gramps never saw his dad. Not never.

We walked down this really long hall. The walls were the same colour as the yellow stuff Gramps has on his ham sandwiches. It’s really yuk. Our feet sounded like we all had big work boots on like Uncle Steve’s. I counted past five doors, but then a lady was sitting on a chair by the next one, and I forgot to count after that. She had white trainers on with undone black laces and grey socks like Gramps wears, but one was pulled up and one had fell down. She had a red woolly scarf tied round the middle of her yellow and orange dress, and hair what looked like white candyfloss! She was rocking on the chair like it was a rocking horse, and she kept banging her head on the wall when she went backwards. I don’t know who she was talking to, but she kept saying
‘Top’s n tails, count ‘em all I said. Don’t fall I said. Count ‘em all.’ and then she said it again and then again, but no-one was there.

Round the corner we went in a big room. It had giant windows all down the wall that looked like big staring eyes, with massive white monster teeth under them. They weren’t monster teeth really, they was radiators what looked like scary monster teeth. Auntie Jackie had some littler ones like that at her old house, but Uncle Steve took them out and put new ones in. He put one on the wrong wall and Auntie Jackie still moans at him for messing it up. The ceiling was higher than the sky. A giant could easy walk in there and not bang his head. There were different chairs everywhere and some had people sleeping in them.

Mum was sitting on a green chair at the other end of the room. She was looking out one of the windows, but it was dark so she couldn’t see anything.
Me, Granny and Gramps walked down the room.
‘Hi darling, look who’s come to see you,’ said Granny to my mum, but she just kept looking out the window. She looked like she was sleeping with her eyes open. Gramps walked round besides her chair, kissed her cheek and stroked her long black hair. It was all messy and crinkly like Amy’s old Sindy dolls. Amy’s my cousin. She’s nine and bosses me about cos she’s bigger than me, but she lets me play with her Lego when we go to her house. I like playing with Mums’ hair when we watch telly. It’s usually all soft and straight and shiny like liquorice laces.
‘Hi sweetheart, look at this fine young man who has come to visit you’ he said. I loved it when he called me that; it made me feel all fizzy. Then the old man in the chair across the room started shouting rude words, ones Dad says I must never ever say, so I don’t. Dad does sometimes, well he did, but I don’t think he says them in heaven. I don’t think God lets you say rude words in heaven. Then the man got up and started taking his trousers off. I like doing that, walking around in my pants, not at Granny’s though, cos it’s colder at her house. But I don’t think the man should have done that, cos the nurse told him off and then he shouted more rude words at her and started taking his pants off too. But the nurse pulled his trousers back up and took him out of the room. I think he got sent to bed.
‘Poor bastard.’ said Gramps and Granny said ‘George!’ I giggled, but Mum just stared out of the window.
‘The doctor said you seemed a little better this week darling. You look a bit brighter.’ said Granny. ‘Billy has painted you a picture, haven’t you Billy? Go on, show your mum.’
I put the picture in front of her face but I don’t think she could see it cos she didn’t say anyhing, so I put it on the table in front of her.
‘There’s me and Eenuff in the bedroom window and there’s you putting the washing out,’ I tell her, pointing at the house in the picture. She always puts the washing outside to dry. Well, before she got really sad she did.
‘My favourite bed time.’ she always says. ‘Fresh clean sheets dried outside in the wind, a nice bath and my two handsome men snuggled under the covers with me.’
There will just be me now though. But we could pretend … if she ever comes back home.

A lady came over and sat down in the chair by us. She had loads of beads on, like the ones Amy makes with her the jewellery kit we got her for her birthday. But this lady had a hundred necklaces, pink, orange, purple, red, blue, yellow and sparkly ones too. And she had loads of rings on all her fingers; like the ones you get out of crackers and bubble gum machines. I’m not allowed bubble gum. She had big slides in her hair with feathers and flowers stuck on them and red lipstick on her lips, bigger than her mouth, and more on her face, so she looked like a big raggy doll. She smelled of smoking. You’re not supposed to smoke cos it’s bad for you, and it makes you die. Granny made Gramps stop when she said ‘Look George’ and then told him to stop.
‘Good evening. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Princess Grace of Monaco’ she said ‘It’s a long way from here, but I’m going back as soon as they have finished building my new palace.’ she continued, looking across to Granny and Gramps.
She didn’t look like a princess, she looked like she had got dressed out of a dressing up box; one like Amy’s got. S’pose grown ups can do dressing up. My teacher wore Andy Pandy pyjamas to school when we had ‘back to front’ day last term, and everyone went to school in pyjamas. It was good fun, but Mum wouldn’t let me wear my new blue jumper to bed, so it wasn’t really fair.

Then … Mum looked up and said
‘This is my Billy.’ It was just like magic.
I looked at Gramps and his cheeks were all red again and Granny was squeezing his hand.
‘He drew me this picture. That’s me in the garden and there’s Billy and his elephant up at the bedroom window.’ Mum said.
I got that fizzy feeling in my tummy again.
Then, a nurse lady came over then and said
‘Grace, come on now. You know you are not to intrude when people have visitors. Come and play a game of cards with Jack and me.’
‘Princess Grace to you deary, and I am not intruding. I am gracing these good people with the presence of royalty.’ said the lady
‘And I am asking you to join us in a game of cards. Come on now. Let Maggie have some time with her family.’ said the nurse, and waited until she got up and went with her. I don’t think the nurse believed she was a princess either. She wasn’t wearing a crown and she didn’t have any servants, so I just think she was pretending.
‘Thank Christ for that,’ said Gramps ‘She’s a bit gone in the head, that one. Poor cow. Not her fault, but good grief, I got worn out just looking at her. Thought we were going to have to spend the whole time with Princess what’s her name there.’
Mum looked up.
‘I saw a doctor again this morning,’ she said. ‘I keep telling them that I just needed a sleep, but you just get labelled.’ She looked at Granny.
‘I just want to come home, Mum. I shouldn’t be here. I’m not like them. I just needed to sleep. I just needed some rest so I could take care of Billy.’
Then Mum looked at me, and her eyes were working again. They were sort of broke when we got here, but now they were working again, so I thought she could come home with us. But she didn’t.

On the way home in the car I went in the back so I could go to sleep. Granny asked Gramps what they were going to do.
‘We can’t lose her, George. We just can’t. She looks so fragile and she’s so thin.’
‘Now listen here duck,’ he said. ‘She’s a strong’un, our Maggie. And you was right about taking young Billy today too. Her eyes lit right up for the first time in weeks. She’ll be just fine, just needs a bit of time, that’s all.’

She will be home soon … I know. Cos, when we left she twiddled my ear and stole my nose with her fingers. And she hadn’t done that for nine Saturdays.