SYMPHONY

And in a moment

my soul heard

a sound that bypassed my brain

… washed away life pressure stains,

bringing joy I could hardly contain

… and I floated in

rainbow wrapped freedom

TRYING TO DEAL WITH A PROBLEM

Trying to deal with a problem   1976

‘Not responding to treatment’ is what he actually said. How can pills be treatment? All they do is make my mind heavy and grey like wet cement churning in a mixer. I told him that, but he just gave me some different ones to take as well. They don’t work though.
Slippers, I suppose I need them.
Nothing works, there’s just this dark giant black something inside me and it eats me up.
If I was cut open there would just be black there, no matter where you cut, just black nothing. Or something, that something, what is it, why does it do this to me, take me over? I want it to be different, but the pills, they just give it more power.
Will I need a flannel?
Half past two I’ve got to be there. Tom is taking me. Just for a rest the doctor said. I don’t want to go, I don’t want to stay. I don’t want to go to sleep and I don’t want to wake up anymore.
‘Tell me how you feel today Claire’ the doctor said earlier. But I don’t know, so how can I say. That’s the whole point, I want to know but don’t know, and no-one will accept that.


The previous year
Is that what you really believe? Then you are just the same as the rest of them. You have no idea, none of you have any idea what my life is like. I go to that stupid man every week and listen to him talk about how I am like my mum, that this is an inherited condition. More convenient, I would say, easy for everyone to just give me a damn label and then file me away.
So every problem in the world can be sorted by pills can it? No, it can’t. I am telling you that it can’t, because I know it can’t.
And to think I told you because I actually thought you would understand, be willing to stand besides me and help me fight this. I really thought that you of all people would believe me. You’re supposed to be my closest friend. How much more stupid can I get. I finally start to share just a fragment of what is happening to me, and you, my best friend, ask ‘Are you sure it’s like that? The mind can play strange tricks, you know’.
Then you tell me that the doctors they have years of experience. You tell me to give them a chance, that they want me to get well and know what is best for me. Not for me, they don’t. They have no experience of me at all. They don’t even listen when I do try and talk to them. They just want me to surrender to their decision and their treatment. So, they won’t help me if I don’t take the pills, they say there is nothing else they can do if I don’t co-operate. And you don’t believe me, and I’ve only told you one tiny thing; just one tiny thing. So I guess that just leaves me where I started then.

Activity 7.4

SONNET 1

Through all my life I thought that I would be
Someone who always struggled with their past
And all my hopes of ever being free
Were just a pile of dreams that couldn’t last
With aching heart and shattered soul I tried
To rise above the dirt that dragged me down
In every grain a little of me died
And smiling was much harder than to frown
But being down is such a waste of time
We only get one chance to live today
And not to grasp it would be such a crime
Decades too late I’m learning how to play
The past is past I’ve laid it all to rest
So glad that I have got it of my chest

Inheritance

Just look at you,
do it this way,
do it that way.
What you need to do is this ... or that.

Like you know everything and your life is all in order and up for scrutinising. Nice house, all neat and tidy, two cars on the drive, no debt. Like you said so many times, your children will never behave like mine have. You would not stand for it. Just like you wouldn’t have MDF, only stripped pine, no cheap stuff for you. And so you went on, and on, and on.

Just like he did all my life, just like a dripping tap … torture.
So proper,
so sorted,
so structured.

The voice too,
the ‘Gooood Arfternooon’,
you know the one that goes with the china cups and saucers and the tea tray and squares of Madeira cake followed by linen serviettes to wipe the pinkies.

Nothing wrong with that,
except you deliver it with a spoonful of ‘See, this is how it should be done, therefore you fail’
instead of lump sugar and sugar tongs.

He was the same,
Hold your knife properly or else eat in the kitchen,
remove yourself from the table,
you disgust me.

I probably did,
disgust him,
that is.
After all I got it wrong from the start,
I was a girl, not the son and heir he wanted.
And what was all that ‘Breathe quietly, you are disturbing me or go to your room’
You want to try it sometimes, listen to how loud you are breathing and then work out if it too noisy.
Actually, don’t bother, I’ll tell you what it’s like, because you stop, breathing …
you stop and try and catch silent seconds of air,
just enough to keep you going until it is acceptable to leave the room.
Then you inhale like your life depends on it.
And it’s a tone of voice thing,
you both have it,
you and him,
makes sense since you are his daughter.
Authoritative verbal power.
My skin fails me,
lets me down,
because the words seep through my skin,
filter into my veins and use my body like it’s the worlds longest rollercoaster ride.
Spinning,
twisting,
running in and out of my brain,
up,
over
and through my heart
draining me,
weakening me so I cannot fight back.

OUT TO LUNCH

My psycho’s
are
in therapy

My counsel’s
being
counselled
and
I
am
free

if
you
fancy
joining me

JUST WANDERING

So where are we going then mind
what journey shall we take
what shall we look at
those fish in the river that no-one else could see
I swear they were there
but Dad said that I was imagining things
and that was lying so I must be careful
Lying is bad
but when it is real to me is that I lie
Say what you mean
tell the truth
but what is the truth
what you want to hear or what I saw
which one is a lie
I’m older now
try and tell it how it is
not get too near to drowning
by holding on to the rocks
slipping but just saving my sanity
so that you are saved
by not hearing what you do not want to hear
What a mess this truth lie business
Thoughts racing around in my head
memories, real things
real times, real moments
with nowhere to go
I lose either way
tell you and you get angry
don’t tell you and you get angry
Strange world
but I am hanging in there
wet, bruised and catching a glimpse
of the most beautiful sunset that your back is turned to ...

WHAT I GOT

I ain’t got a dad like you
Mine don’t tell me what to do
Let’s me do just what I like
So I stay out on my bike

And me mum is different too
Don’t give me no jobs to do
Let’s me eat pizza every day
Don’t make me put me stuff away

Me brother he don’t have a clue
What the ‘ell I get up to
Truth is even he don’t care
Too busy spiking up his hair

So you want to be me, do you
Doing anything you want to do
You don’t know nothing, idiot
I’ve got nothing, you’ve got the lot



MarieAntoinette
25.01.2009

BE SAFE

So your childhood has caused all this
And you blame it all on your parents
Just children themselves who got screwed up
And then blamed it all on their parents
Who had tried to do the best they could
But then they blamed it on their parents
Who’d tried to provide a better life
From the one they’d had from their parents

You have chosen to feed off all that shite
And blame the things that they didn’t get right

Well if you don’t want kids with stuffed up lives
And then blaming it on their parents

Use a condom






MarieAntoinette
21.01.2009

after reading the words in a newspaper ‘Who’s to blame’

FEAR

School report under my pillow
With the watch I broke yesterday
How am I going to tell him

Learn to behave like a lady
Sit, knees together, don't fidget
But the rules change every day

Speak when you are spoken to
Don’t be sullen and say nothing
I never know which one to do

Use your initiative my girl
Who asked for your opinion
Is imagination so wrong

I said hold your knife properly
And sit up to the table girl
The more I try the worse it gets

Don’t start crying like a baby
You don’t know how lucky you are
You can just get to bed my girl

Do you want the back of my hand
You need to be taught a lesson
Did you bring your school report home

Created from the title and old memories
.

SHOES IN A CHARITY SHOP

We’ll go first they said with pride
Navy extra wide, elastic sides
Don’t think because of our clumsy look
We don’t have memories to write a book
They emptied out her wardrobe today
Took all her clothes and shoes away
But we all had a story to tell
Of days before, when she was well
Us, we went to her daughters wedding
In a wheel chair too, confounded thing
But we saw her eyes, like diamonds glisten
And felt her pride as she intently listened
To her only child who offered her life
To the man she loved, to be his wife
We looked a picture, let us tell you too
Complimenting a suit of pale sky blue
Now she’s gone unsaved, despite her wealth
And we’re now stuck here on this shelf

And we, my darlings, have had to let go
To a wondrous life, said the pink stilettos
You would not believe the life we’ve led
Paris, Rome, cruises on the Med
Champagne, caviar, salmon and cucumber
Always dressed in a slinky number
A dashing man dangling on each arm
She oozed with confidence and charm
But then the years were not so kind
When alcohol muddled up her mind
Friends then started to fall away
Said they would call her another day
We stayed in a box for years and years
Among feather boas and long dried tears
Last week she threw us all away
We’d rather hoped that we would stay
But we did the rounds, covered the map
And now the cat’s sat on her lap

A little voice you could hardly hear
Said We’re not even supposed to be here
We should be at the park with Molly
Having a picnic under the oak tree
Said the cute little size five red T bar’s
With little pink embroidered stars
We’d always dreamed that we would be
Dipped in gold for the Christmas tree
We’ve been with her everywhere
Steadied her when she let go of the chair
Toddled in daisies in the sun
Splashed a few puddles, that was fun
But Molly’s grown just a little bit
And the shoe lady said that we don’t fit
Her feet are bigger and need new shoes
Patent with bows they’ll probably choose
And now we’re here we will never know
If Molly remembers how we loved her so

Don’t be down, you did your job
Said the size twelve brogues with the laces off
We all have our moment; that much is true
And in that moment, do the best we can do.
We both got into a spot of bother
Running around on the feet of a robber
Spent the night in a cold police cell
Got displayed in court as evidence as well
Policeman put our laces into the bin
In case old Smithy tried to do himself in
Stupid really, because he was only hungry
And sadly didn’t have any money
He wasn’t a villain, just an old man
Sleeping at night in a broken down van
At least for now he’s in the warm
In the King’s Cross homeless shelter dorm
Just look at us all, what a motley crew
Leather memories … and a bit of plastic too!

.

OUR SECRET

I like the windows at Granny’s. They get all cloudy when it’s cold and I draw aeroplanes on them and bomb Gramps’ old metal soldiers that are on the window sill. Gramps plays too, sometimes, but Granny says we mess up her windows and give her more work to do. Gramps says that she’s never happier than when she’s grumbling. Some soldiers have got heads and arms missing, but that’s good, cos we pretend the bombs got them. They’re the Germans.
He says the game we play on the window is called a ‘dog-fight’. That’s silly though, cos dogs can’t fly, but Gramps says that’s what they called it in the war, so it must be true.

I’m living with Granny and Gramps cos my mum’s in the hospital. She got sick when my dad died. I heard Auntie Jackie say that she’s got suicide and she’s broken down, so I don’t think she can get better cos suicide can make you die. I don’t want her to die too. I want her to stay with me.
I can see the train track from the bedroom window. The trains shake the house when they go by and everyone stops talking, cos you can’t hear anything. It’s like being in a wobbly jelly house. Gramps says it’s good if Granny’s grumbling then, cos he can’t hear her, but he’s just joking me. He’s always creeping up behind her in the kitchen, telling her how cuddly she is and then stealing a toffee for us, out of her apron pocket. Granny grumbles that he’s getting in the way, but she’s just joking too. He says she once was so tiny he could get his hands round her waist. Now he has to use both his arms!

Mums old teddy, Rugless, sleeps in my bed and I bought Eenuff elephant with me. I take him everywhere. Well, not to school, cos he’s not allowed there. When I was a baby I kept sucking one of the ears and it got all messy, so Granny made him new ones out of Gramps’ old shirt, so now he’s got blue and grey stripy ears. Oh, and button eyes, cos the felt ones fell off as well. He can have button eyes now I am big, but they would be dangerous for babies. Dad used to make him fly round the room and then he would tickle me on my belly with him. My dad is the best. I think God made a mistake when he come and got him, and I will tell him too, when I go to Heaven. Bad people should go first, but not to Heaven. They have to go to Hell.
‘Shoot the lot of ‘em, bloody IRA. Let ‘em rot in ‘ell’ That’s what Dad and Gramps says.
My dad weren’t bad; he got squashed by a lorry at work.

I went to see Mum yesterday. Me, Granny and Gramps went in the car. I sat in the front and Granny sat in the back. It was brill. Eenuff sat next to Granny. Mum has been in the hospital for three Saturdays now. I heard Gramps telling Granny that I was not old enough to go there, but Granny said
‘Look George, The boy needs to see his mum and we are taking him tomorrow.’ You always know Granny is going to get her own way when she says ‘Look George.’ Mum laughs when she says it, cos she says the argument is already won. She don’t laugh at the moment though, she cries a lot and forgets things. That’s why I’m living with Granny and Gramps. I had to make cornflakes for my dinner all by myself, and we had no milk cos Mum forgot we had none. And I didn’t have my favorite pyjamas for four Saturdays cos they was in the wash basket. One day I couldn’t wake Mum up, so I asked Jenny next door to wake her up for me cos I was hungry. She called Granny and the ambulance came and took Mum to the hospital and Granny took me back to her house.

The hospital is really, really old, like before God was born. No-one had coloured in the bricks like they do now. Gramps says that soldiers what got shot in the war came here. When I asked him what for, he said ‘They had jumbled brains worse than your toy box, lad.’ Gramps’ cheeks always go red and his eyes go all watery when he talks about the war. His dad died like mine did, only not by a lorry, but in a big mud field when he was fighting the Germans, and no-one ever, ever found him. Granny says Gramps never saw his dad. Not never.

We walked down this really long hall. The walls were the same colour as the yellow stuff Gramps has on his ham sandwiches. It’s really yuk. Our feet sounded like we all had big work boots on like Uncle Steve’s. I counted past five doors, but then a lady was sitting on a chair by the next one, and I forgot to count after that. She had white trainers on with undone black laces and grey socks like Gramps wears, but one was pulled up and one had fell down. She had a red woolly scarf tied round the middle of her yellow and orange dress, and hair what looked like white candyfloss! She was rocking on the chair like it was a rocking horse, and she kept banging her head on the wall when she went backwards. I don’t know who she was talking to, but she kept saying
‘Top’s n tails, count ‘em all I said. Don’t fall I said. Count ‘em all.’ and then she said it again and then again, but no-one was there.

Round the corner we went in a big room. It had giant windows all down the wall that looked like big staring eyes, with massive white monster teeth under them. They weren’t monster teeth really, they was radiators what looked like scary monster teeth. Auntie Jackie had some littler ones like that at her old house, but Uncle Steve took them out and put new ones in. He put one on the wrong wall and Auntie Jackie still moans at him for messing it up. The ceiling was higher than the sky. A giant could easy walk in there and not bang his head. There were different chairs everywhere and some had people sleeping in them.

Mum was sitting on a green chair at the other end of the room. She was looking out one of the windows, but it was dark so she couldn’t see anything.
Me, Granny and Gramps walked down the room.
‘Hi darling, look who’s come to see you,’ said Granny to my mum, but she just kept looking out the window. She looked like she was sleeping with her eyes open. Gramps walked round besides her chair, kissed her cheek and stroked her long black hair. It was all messy and crinkly like Amy’s old Sindy dolls. Amy’s my cousin. She’s nine and bosses me about cos she’s bigger than me, but she lets me play with her Lego when we go to her house. I like playing with Mums’ hair when we watch telly. It’s usually all soft and straight and shiny like liquorice laces.
‘Hi sweetheart, look at this fine young man who has come to visit you’ he said. I loved it when he called me that; it made me feel all fizzy. Then the old man in the chair across the room started shouting rude words, ones Dad says I must never ever say, so I don’t. Dad does sometimes, well he did, but I don’t think he says them in heaven. I don’t think God lets you say rude words in heaven. Then the man got up and started taking his trousers off. I like doing that, walking around in my pants, not at Granny’s though, cos it’s colder at her house. But I don’t think the man should have done that, cos the nurse told him off and then he shouted more rude words at her and started taking his pants off too. But the nurse pulled his trousers back up and took him out of the room. I think he got sent to bed.
‘Poor bastard.’ said Gramps and Granny said ‘George!’ I giggled, but Mum just stared out of the window.
‘The doctor said you seemed a little better this week darling. You look a bit brighter.’ said Granny. ‘Billy has painted you a picture, haven’t you Billy? Go on, show your mum.’
I put the picture in front of her face but I don’t think she could see it cos she didn’t say anyhing, so I put it on the table in front of her.
‘There’s me and Eenuff in the bedroom window and there’s you putting the washing out,’ I tell her, pointing at the house in the picture. She always puts the washing outside to dry. Well, before she got really sad she did.
‘My favourite bed time.’ she always says. ‘Fresh clean sheets dried outside in the wind, a nice bath and my two handsome men snuggled under the covers with me.’
There will just be me now though. But we could pretend … if she ever comes back home.

A lady came over and sat down in the chair by us. She had loads of beads on, like the ones Amy makes with her the jewellery kit we got her for her birthday. But this lady had a hundred necklaces, pink, orange, purple, red, blue, yellow and sparkly ones too. And she had loads of rings on all her fingers; like the ones you get out of crackers and bubble gum machines. I’m not allowed bubble gum. She had big slides in her hair with feathers and flowers stuck on them and red lipstick on her lips, bigger than her mouth, and more on her face, so she looked like a big raggy doll. She smelled of smoking. You’re not supposed to smoke cos it’s bad for you, and it makes you die. Granny made Gramps stop when she said ‘Look George’ and then told him to stop.
‘Good evening. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Princess Grace of Monaco’ she said ‘It’s a long way from here, but I’m going back as soon as they have finished building my new palace.’ she continued, looking across to Granny and Gramps.
She didn’t look like a princess, she looked like she had got dressed out of a dressing up box; one like Amy’s got. S’pose grown ups can do dressing up. My teacher wore Andy Pandy pyjamas to school when we had ‘back to front’ day last term, and everyone went to school in pyjamas. It was good fun, but Mum wouldn’t let me wear my new blue jumper to bed, so it wasn’t really fair.

Then … Mum looked up and said
‘This is my Billy.’ It was just like magic.
I looked at Gramps and his cheeks were all red again and Granny was squeezing his hand.
‘He drew me this picture. That’s me in the garden and there’s Billy and his elephant up at the bedroom window.’ Mum said.
I got that fizzy feeling in my tummy again.
Then, a nurse lady came over then and said
‘Grace, come on now. You know you are not to intrude when people have visitors. Come and play a game of cards with Jack and me.’
‘Princess Grace to you deary, and I am not intruding. I am gracing these good people with the presence of royalty.’ said the lady
‘And I am asking you to join us in a game of cards. Come on now. Let Maggie have some time with her family.’ said the nurse, and waited until she got up and went with her. I don’t think the nurse believed she was a princess either. She wasn’t wearing a crown and she didn’t have any servants, so I just think she was pretending.
‘Thank Christ for that,’ said Gramps ‘She’s a bit gone in the head, that one. Poor cow. Not her fault, but good grief, I got worn out just looking at her. Thought we were going to have to spend the whole time with Princess what’s her name there.’
Mum looked up.
‘I saw a doctor again this morning,’ she said. ‘I keep telling them that I just needed a sleep, but you just get labelled.’ She looked at Granny.
‘I just want to come home, Mum. I shouldn’t be here. I’m not like them. I just needed to sleep. I just needed some rest so I could take care of Billy.’
Then Mum looked at me, and her eyes were working again. They were sort of broke when we got here, but now they were working again, so I thought she could come home with us. But she didn’t.

On the way home in the car I went in the back so I could go to sleep. Granny asked Gramps what they were going to do.
‘We can’t lose her, George. We just can’t. She looks so fragile and she’s so thin.’
‘Now listen here duck,’ he said. ‘She’s a strong’un, our Maggie. And you was right about taking young Billy today too. Her eyes lit right up for the first time in weeks. She’ll be just fine, just needs a bit of time, that’s all.’

She will be home soon … I know. Cos, when we left she twiddled my ear and stole my nose with her fingers. And she hadn’t done that for nine Saturdays.

THEN AFTERWARDS ...

The house was quiet now, but it was not peaceful. The heated words between her husband and son were still echoing around the room desperate to escape. Both men had gone now, but the atmosphere lingered and seeped into Sarah's every pore, ran through her veins and attacked her heart like a chemical burning away at the surface. She rocked gently as she sat on the edge of the sofa, her arms hugging her chest as if to protect her heart from further pain. Her left hand stroked her right arm, softly, gently, offering a gesture of comfort. Her mother used to do that, stroke her when she became upset as a child, but she was alone now and her body seemed to instintivley try and comfort itself. The quietness of the room was lost to her, her mind was struggling to contain the flashes of harsh words spat in anger between the two men she loved. Her shoulders stiffened as if the reflex would somehow stop the tears burning behind her eyes. The rain lashed against the lounge window and Sarah wondered briefly whether Sam had taken a coat when he had stormed out of the house rather than raise his fist to his son. He would come back she knew that, and she knew why he'd gone, but he always just left her when she needed him, needed his arms around her. The floorboards above her creaked under the footsteps of her son James walking across the landing to the bathroom, probably to throw his guts up down the toilet. She wanted desperately to go up to him as she would have when he was a little boy, then she would have held him close to her and stroked his forehead until he fell asleep, safely in her arms. Now, they didn't touch, oh they were close, but they didn't touch, not anymore. Not since his grandfather had told James he must be a 'girl' still wanting a hug from his mother. Sarah understood, but understanding did not give her comfort. As she tried to remember the last time they had hugged each other,the tears that had been building behind her eyes began to fall.
.
.

SAME SHOPPING - JUST DIFFERENT DAYS

After she got promotion
Normally she hated supermarket shopping, but today was different. She had already collected a dozen items and the shop was not too busy. As the basket became too heavy for her, Jodie left it on the floor by the toilet rolls and went back outside to get a trolley. Returning back to it, she transferred the items carefully so as not to bruise the strawberries and bananas. Realising where she was, amongst the toilet tissue, she thought it funny that maybe one of those rolls may find themselves up her ex boss’s ass! It made her laugh aloud as she then pictured her supervisor at work as a toilet roll! Smiling to herself she moved on to get some ice cream to go with the strawberries, picked up the vanilla soft scoop, returned it and chose Walls Cornish instead, it was a ‘no contest’ choice. They had said that to her at work today when they offered her promotion, she was the best person for the job, that there was no competition that could have beaten her, no contest. She had won the prize of getting out of that office and got a pay increase! She smiled again seeing herself as Cornish ice cream, tanned and rich against the cheap white soft scoop! Laughing to herself at the analogies she had made, she took her shopping to the miserable looking girl at the checkout, knowing nothing could dampen her mood today.

After he dumped her
She hated supermarket and today was no different. The basket full of items weighed her down and made her ache even more than she did already. She went back to the front of the store, got a trolley and then squashed the strawberries as she was repacking the things from her basket. Taking them back to replace the punnet for a new one, she stopped to pick up some toilet tissue. There was an offer of a puppy with any pack of twelve quilted rolls and she picked two packs up and hooked them to the front of the trolley. Then she took two beige puppies from the display and wiped her tears with one of the paws. They were just the same as his dogs when they were tiny, when they jumped all over the two of them as they curled beneath the white goose down quilt he had bought her as a surprise. But now she would never feel her body entwined in his, or see the dogs again and her heart was breaking. Soft quilts, puppies, who would have thought that so many painfull memories could be awoken because of a toilet roll offer. She picked up some value vanilla soft scoop ice cream on the way to the checkout. She normally had Cornish ice cream, but today she picked the cheap stuff. Cheap, that was how he had made her feel, cheap, just like the ice cream.

SIXPENCE ! 1959

.

Can I have ...

Eight of them
Six of them
Four of them
One of them
And two of them
Oh, and one of them then

Sixpence
Yeh, me granddad give it me
Bye

Eight black jacks
Six fruit salads
Four flying saucers
One sherbert dip
Two raspberry pips
And one lichorice stick

Down back alley
Friends
Come and play
They like me

On me own now
Playin'
With me jacks
And marbles

A Sixpence Mum?
No ...
On the fridge?

I 'aint seen it

.

.

one sixpence = 2.5p

.

NEW JOB IN AN OLD SETTING

‘Gosh, this feels strange, I feel like a fraud in this uniform. I don’t know anything’ said Pam nervously as she walked down the corridor towards the day room. The grubby green emulsioned walls offered a fragile sense of a natural setting, and smirking faces stared up from the wood block flooring in contradiction.
‘Well, they won’t know that. They will just see the badge and think you know everything!’ replied Julie with a smile.
‘Yeh, but it’s really strange’ continued Pam ‘The last time I was in here was twelve years ago and I never thought I would be here in a nurse’s uniform.’
‘Come on, big breath and here we go, a couple of sick minds to the rescue!’ said Julie as she pushed open the door to the day room. One of the long side walls was broken by six sash windows; years of over painting making them draught proof. Each window fell from the ceiling like huge a waterfall as the rain crashed against the glass, and then appeared to settle on radiators which looked like ridiculous oversized yellowing teeth glaring from a menacing smile. Brown fibre glass curtains with fiery orange psychedelic swirls hung at the windows offering an alternative reason for having a headache, as they clashed against the familiar sickly green emulsioned walls. It was just as Pam remembered it. She looked around the room at the empty drugged faces and shivered. ‘I am really not sure I can do this.’ she thought.

The grey carpet was still discoloured with an intricate map of individual encounters of coffee, cigarette burns, urine and chewing gum. The old black leather sofa still sat beneath the far window with a collection of odd chairs huddled around it. Pam remembered sitting there listening to Neil Diamond singing Porcupine Pie on the stereo while she had been crying one night, and Brian, the charge nurse, had made her a cup of cocoa. "Leave enough room for desert, Chicken ripple Ice cream". She remembered wondering why Neil Diamond was not in the unit with her if he wrote lyrics like that to songs. A coffee table now separated the furniture and was strewn with an incomplete pack of playing cards and few chipped mugs.

‘Another new lot again then’ said one of the patients to no-one in particular, while a cigarette perched warily between her lips ‘Always new bloody faces. They’ll want me name next, for the hundredth bloody time this month. Well, what you looking at then?’ she continued vaguely directing her words towards the girls.
Pam felt her heart skip a beat and her chest tighten as if it was an elastic band ball. She knew that some of these people had been in this unit for years and remembered being afraid once that she might end up the same. Now she was here on different terms, opposite terms, and she was not sure how her head was going to cope with the change. No-one would know her on this ward as it was short stay ward where no-one stayed longer than six months.

‘Ah, good morning girls’ called the Sister from the office door ‘Come on in, we are just about to do handover so you are just in time.’ Pam and Julie followed the navy uniform into a small compact office. There was barely enough room for its current occupants of Sister and the other nurses already sat in two of the small shabby chairs.
The girls nervously sat in the vacant chairs under the window. The small cracked window panes implied that they had long ago surrendered to forgotten screams from the adjoining room.

Although handover went smoothly, Pam found it difficult to remember which illness was related to which patient and felt overwhelmed by the whole process. She was given two patients to get acquainted with; Robert, who was struggling with his voices telling him to eat all the magazines, and Audrey, who had had a nervous breakdown.
Checking her name badge was still pinned to her uniform, Pam left the office and made her way to Audrey who was sat at a large Formica table staring at a part completed jigsaw puzzle nestling between several ash trays bearing the remains of multiple moments of denied relief.
‘Here goes girl. You can do this, you really can.’ she coaxed herself as she walked across the room.
.
.

SUNDAYS AT THE BEACH - 1965

This was written immediately after a counselling session with a Cruse counsellor. We were discussing what I considered to be normal for a child and ...

She said it might put things into perspective if I could see things as if they had happened to
someone else, rather than to me.
Would I be angry if some told me that when they were twelve their dad had taken her and her sister to the beach with his secretary and ...

Mum had stayed at home, too depressed to go out.
Didn't know the secretary went instead.
Dad had said it was a secret, not to tell mum, it would make her ill.
But she wasn't hurting her mum.
He was.
She went to the beach.
With her little sister.
To look after her.
That is her job.
To take care of her.
They had only had her to keep her company.
Dad had told her that.
'She is your responsibility' he had said
And she believed him.
So she must make sure she doesn't get hurt.
She is only ten.
At the beach the secretary undresses into her bikini.
Gaudy clashing flowers.
Not enough material, way too much flesh.
Her dad's hands stroke sun tan oil over her stomach
Inside her bikini top. Why?
Must get away.
Wants to be sick.
The bulge in her dad's swimming trunks, what is that?
Must go and get an ice cream, must get away.
This is wrong, mum is at home.
They should be with her.
Secretary touching him now, his thighs, his eyes have gone strange.
Must get away now.
Get the ice cream.
Go for a walk.
Collect shells.
Paddle.
Not look back.
It's a secret, dad's little secret.
Now it has to be our secret.
From mum.
Words nearly the same, secret and secretary ...
How weird.

The counsellor let me share lots of 'childhood moments' like this and the conclusion I came to was that even if I saw it as normal, it should have been different.

RESPITE 1978 - WORKPLACE 1991 .................. Little difference

.
OU Activity 6.6 Part 1 Description of my workplace 1991

The office is compact, just enough room for five small shabby chairs and an old well worn oak desk. Two chairs sit under the window leaning against a much painted Victorian radiator, now yellowed and peeling from the constant heat it used to generate into the room. Now it is cold and a cheap electric convector heater sits against the opposite wall waiting to one day be of service. The small cracked window panes imply that they gave in under long forgotten screams from the adjoining room. The window looks out over the roses proudly basking in the summer sun. Beyond the roses, ancient conifers screen the old vegetable gardens, now a haven for wild flowers and nettles. On the wall behind the desk is a cork notice board covered in messages that are now history required by no-one.

Back through the office door is the day room, the long wall broken by six sash windows, years of over painting making them draught proof. Each window falls from the ceiling and settles on radiators looking like ridiculous oversized yellowing teeth glaring from a menacing smile. Brown fibre glass curtains with fiery orange psychedelic swirls hang at the windows offer an alternative reason for having a headache, as they clash against the sickly green emulsioned walls. The grey carpet is discoloured with an intricate map of individual encounters of coffee, cigarette burns, urine and chewing gum. An old black leather sofa sits beneath another window with a collection of odd chairs huddled around it. A coffee table separates them, strewn with an incomplete pack of playing cards and couple of chipped mugs.

Two large Formica tables sit, one each end of the room, one with a part completed jigsaw and several ash trays bearing the remains of multiple moments of denied relief. The other bearing the scars of biro etched graffiti, harsh gifts from tension filled fingers, and abuse from cigarettes smoking themselves to death while resting on the side of the table.

A TV sits besides the fire exit on a long ago discarded mahogany desk. A dishevelled row of half a dozen grubby grey moulded plastic chairs line before it expectantly, waiting for the motley audience to occupy them at the designated hour. The heavy wooden glass topped door besides the fire exit is closed. The sign hung over the brass door handle warns that unauthorised entry is not permitted between the hours of 10am to 6pm. Through the door window can be seen two rows of twelve made up beds covered in faded pale blue bedspreads, and separated by personal lockers; each one the same, but each one housing a different secret.

Everything around these rooms seems to have held a tight grip on both the past and the present and refuses to let go to offer any sort of future. Ghosts of the past still occupy the whole place suffocating and adding to the burdens of the current visitors. They curl themselves around everything as if letting anything go will release a tension far too great for the coping of any human being. And yet outside, horse chestnut trees willingly strip naked to feed the blades of grass patiently awaiting their autumn breakfast.


My Comments - NO SOUNDS, NO SMELL I need to include them next ...

to be continued

COFFEE,TOAST AND THREE PARACETAMOL

Coffee, toast and three paracetamol.
Is that all you can offer after that outburst?
You're the reason I've got this damn headache.
And you know I don't drink coffee or take paracetamol.
Or don't you know.
I've been telling you for years.
But that doesn't mean you've heard, does it.
Who does hear me, who cares anyway?
But don't get me started on that 'who cares' stuff.
In fact, don't get me started.
Leave me alone.
Give me some space.
Stop suffocating me.
I need to breathe, to live my life, my very own life.
Not yours, not anyone elses, but mine.
Make my own mistakes.
Find my own way.
Claim my own life.
Not live what you chose for me.
How can you know what I need, what I want, what my dreams are.
You don't hear me.
You give me coffee
and paracetamol.

O O O

MY BROTHER - 1958

I told my teacher
And my friends
About my brother
He's brand new

His pram is white
With a black hood
And a rose picture
Stuck on the side

It has big wheels
Like a go cart
I have to tippy-toe
To see inside

My baby brother
Smiles at me
Shares my room
And my teddies

I really love him
He's all mine
I tell my teacher
All about him

Mum came to school
To see my work
My teacher asked
About our baby

My mum’s real mad
Said I told a big lie
I can’t go out to play
For a whole week

She hasn’t told my dad
But she will tonight
But it weren’t a lie
I want one
.
.
.

EMPTY VESSELS

You want to speak do you, to say something.
Do you really think that you have something worthwhile to say, something that I would want to hear.
Are you that stupid?
Have you not listened to a word I have said to you?
You have no opinion that is worth voicing, no-one wants to hear what you have to say.
Oh yes, you have tried, I grant you that, and where did it get you eh, just where did it get you?
I have told you time and time again, you do as you are told and everything would have been fine.
Now look at you, sat here in this room full of misfits. Yes, that is what I said, misfits.
People who have to be locked away from society because they are a disgrace, should have been drowned at birth.
Mental institution, no, we don’t need those, just get rid of them.
Do you know how much it has taken for me to come here today, and you mark my words my girl, this will be the only visit I make to this place.
A child of mine, a throwback, that is what you are a mental throwback.
I have done nothing to deserve the disgrace you have brought upon me and your family. 'Can’t cope', you have no idea of what ‘a hard life is’.
I have provided for you since the day you were born, put a roof over your head, food on the table and you repay me like this. I
should have insisted that she had a termination, that is what I should have done, insisted, then I would not be sat here now.

Where is who, Oh, he's gone nurse, left. Well not really left because he had to be here to leave and he never has been. Not really and yet he has always been here, not here with what I needed, but here with what I didn’t, if you know what I mean. It would be funny if it were not so sad.
I feel sorry for him and yet I can’t feel sorry for myself, I feel guilty. Yes guilty, I want him to be happy, to be proud of me. I want to say something that would please him. Talk too much rubbish, that is why he doesn’t listen, it’s OK, he told me too, that I just talk about trash, he does not need to know how I feel, I just need to know how to behave.
Now I cannot utter a single word without hearing him say it will be worthless, a waste of words. So I don’t speak anymore, that is what started all this, why my wrists look like barbed wire, why I can stare and not see. I don’t want any more pills nurse, please no more pills.

Sorry, what did you say? A walk, outside, really, in the grounds, amongst the autumn leaves, do you really have the time, for me, really …
Nurse, that saying on the wall, the one over there look, by the window. It says ‘Empty vessels make the loudest noise’ Would that mean him or me?