Thursday, November 20, 2008

SIXPENCE ! 1959

.
Can I have ...

Eight of them
Six of them
Four of them
One of them
And two of them
Oh, and one of them then

Sixpence
Yeh, me granddad give it me
Bye

Eight black jacks
Six fruit salads
Four flying saucers
One sherbert dip
Two raspberry pips
And one lichorice stick

Down back alley
Friends
Come and play
They like me

On me own now
Playin'
With me jacks
And marbles

A Sixpence Mum?
No ...
On the fridge?
I 'aint seen it

.

.

one sixpence = 2.5p

.







NEW JOB IN AN OLD SETTING

‘Gosh, this feels strange, I feel like a fraud in this uniform. I don’t know anything’ said Pam nervously as she walked down the corridor towards the day room. The grubby green emulsioned walls offered a fragile sense of a natural setting, and smirking faces stared up from the wood block flooring in contradiction.
‘Well, they won’t know that. They will just see the badge and think you know everything!’ replied Julie with a smile.
‘Yeh, but it’s really strange’ continued Pam ‘The last time I was in here was twelve years ago and I never thought I would be here in a nurse’s uniform.’
‘Come on, big breath and here we go, a couple of sick minds to the rescue!’ said Julie as she pushed open the door to the day room. One of the long side walls was broken by six sash windows; years of over painting making them draught proof. Each window fell from the ceiling like huge a waterfall as the rain crashed against the glass, and then appeared to settle on radiators which looked like ridiculous oversized yellowing teeth glaring from a menacing smile. Brown fibre glass curtains with fiery orange psychedelic swirls hung at the windows offering an alternative reason for having a headache, as they clashed against the familiar sickly green emulsioned walls. It was just as Pam remembered it. She looked around the room at the empty drugged faces and shivered. ‘I am really not sure I can do this.’ she thought.


The grey carpet was still discoloured with an intricate map of individual encounters of coffee, cigarette burns, urine and chewing gum. The old black leather sofa still sat beneath the far window with a collection of odd chairs huddled around it. Pam remembered sitting there listening to Neil Diamond singing Porcupine Pie on the stereo while she had been crying one night, and Brian, the charge nurse, had made her a cup of cocoa. "Leave enough room for desert, Chicken ripple Ice cream". She remembered wondering why Neil Diamond was not in the unit with her if he wrote lyrics like that to songs. A coffee table now separated the furniture and was strewn with an incomplete pack of playing cards and few chipped mugs.


‘Another new lot again then’ said one of the patients to no-one in particular, while a cigarette perched warily between her lips ‘Always new bloody faces. They’ll want me name next, for the hundredth bloody time this month. Well, what you looking at then?’ she continued vaguely directing her words towards the girls.
Pam felt her heart skip a beat and her chest tighten as if it was an elastic band ball. She knew that some of these people had been in this unit for years and remembered being afraid once that she might end up the same. Now she was here on different terms, opposite terms, and she was not sure how her head was going to cope with the change. No-one would know her on this ward as it was short stay ward where no-one stayed longer than six months.

‘Ah, good morning girls’ called the Sister from the office door ‘Come on in, we are just about to do handover so you are just in time.’ Pam and Julie followed the navy uniform into a small compact office. There was barely enough room for its current occupants of Sister and the other nurses already sat in two of the small shabby chairs.
The girls nervously sat in the vacant chairs under the window. The small cracked window panes implied that they had long ago surrendered to forgotten screams from the adjoining room.

Although handover went smoothly, Pam found it difficult to remember which illness was related to which patient and felt overwhelmed by the whole process. She was given two patients to get acquainted with; Robert, who was struggling with his voices telling him to eat all the magazines, and Audrey, who had had a nervous breakdown.
Checking her name badge was still pinned to her uniform, Pam left the office and made her way to Audrey who was sat at a large Formica table staring at a part completed jigsaw puzzle nestling between several ash trays bearing the remains of multiple moments of denied relief.
‘Here goes girl. You can do this, you really can.’ she coaxed herself as she walked across the room.

.
.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

SUNDAYS AT THE BEACH - 1965

This was written immediately after a counselling session with a Cruse counsellor. We were discussing what I considered to be normal for a child and ...

She said it might put things into perspective if I could see things as if they had happened to
someone else, rather than to me.
Would I be angry if some told me that when they were twelve their dad had taken her and her sister to the beach with his secretary and ...


Mum had stayed at home, too depressed to go out.
Didn't know the secretary went instead.
Dad had said it was a secret, not to tell mum, it would make her ill.
But she wasn't hurting her mum.
He was.
She went to the beach.
With her little sister.

To look after her.
That is her job.
To take care of her.
They had only had her to keep her company.
Dad had told her that.
'She is your responsibility' he had said
And she believed him.
So she must make sure she doesn't get hurt.

She is only ten.
At the beach the secretary undresses into her bikini.

Gaudy clashing flowers.
Not enough material, way too much flesh.
Her dad's hands stroke sun tan oil over her stomach
Inside her bikini top. Why?

Must get away.
Wants to be sick.
The bulge in her dad's swimming trunks, what is that?

Must go and get an ice cream, must get away.
This is wrong, mum is at home.
They should be with her.
Secretary touching him now, his thighs, his eyes have gone strange.
Must get away now.
Get the ice cream.
Go for a walk.
Collect shells.
Paddle.
Not look back.
It's a secret, dad's little secret.

Now it has to be our secret.
From mum.
Words nearly the same, secret and secretary ...
How weird.

The counsellor let me share lots of 'childhood moments' like this and the conclusion I came to was that even if I saw it as normal, it should have been different.




RESPITE 1978 - WORKPLACE 1991 .................. Little difference

.
OU Activity 6.6 Part 1 Description of my workplace 1991

The office is compact, just enough room for five small shabby chairs and an old well worn oak desk. Two chairs sit under the window leaning against a much painted Victorian radiator, now yellowed and peeling from the constant heat it used to generate into the room. Now it is cold and a cheap electric convector heater sits against the opposite wall waiting to one day be of service. The small cracked window panes imply that they gave in under long forgotten screams from the adjoining room. The window looks out over the roses proudly basking in the summer sun. Beyond the roses, ancient conifers screen the old vegetable gardens, now a haven for wild flowers and nettles. On the wall behind the desk is a cork notice board covered in messages that are now history required by no-one.

Back through the office door is the day room, the long wall broken by six sash windows, years of over painting making them draught proof. Each window falls from the ceiling and settles on radiators looking like ridiculous oversized yellowing teeth glaring from a menacing smile. Brown fibre glass curtains with fiery orange psychedelic swirls hang at the windows offer an alternative reason for having a headache, as they clash against the sickly green emulsioned walls. The grey carpet is discoloured with an intricate map of individual encounters of coffee, cigarette burns, urine and chewing gum. An old black leather sofa sits beneath another window with a collection of odd chairs huddled around it. A coffee table separates them, strewn with an incomplete pack of playing cards and couple of chipped mugs.

Two large Formica tables sit, one each end of the room, one with a part completed jigsaw and several ash trays bearing the remains of multiple moments of denied relief. The other bearing the scars of biro etched graffiti, harsh gifts from tension filled fingers, and abuse from cigarettes smoking themselves to death while resting on the side of the table.

A TV sits besides the fire exit on a long ago discarded mahogany desk. A dishevelled row of half a dozen grubby grey moulded plastic chairs line before it expectantly, waiting for the motley audience to occupy them at the designated hour. The heavy wooden glass topped door besides the fire exit is closed. The sign hung over the brass door handle warns that unauthorised entry is not permitted between the hours of 10am to 6pm. Through the door window can be seen two rows of twelve made up beds covered in faded pale blue bedspreads, and separated by personal lockers; each one the same, but each one housing a different secret.

Everything around these rooms seems to have held a tight grip on both the past and the present and refuses to let go to offer any sort of future. Ghosts of the past still occupy the whole place suffocating and adding to the burdens of the current visitors. They curl themselves around everything as if letting anything go will release a tension far too great for the coping of any human being. And yet outside, horse chestnut trees willingly strip naked to feed the blades of grass patiently awaiting their autumn breakfast.


My Comments - NO SOUNDS, NO SMELL I need to include them next ...


to be continued

COFFEE,TOAST AND THREE PARACETAMOL

Coffee, toast and three paracetamol.
Is that all you can offer after that outburst?
You're the reason I've got this damn headache.
And you know I don't drink coffee or take paracetamol.
Or don't you know.
I've been telling you for years.
But that doesn't mean you've heard, does it.
Who does hear me, who cares anyway?
But don't get me started on that 'who cares' stuff.
In fact, don't get me started.
Leave me alone.
Give me some space.
Stop suffocating me.
I need to breathe, to live my life, my very own life.
Not yours, not anyone elses, but mine.
Make my own mistakes.
Find my own way.
Claim my own life.
Not live what you chose for me.
How can you know what I need, what I want, what my dreams are.
You don't hear me.
You give me coffee
and paracetamol.


O O O

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

MY BROTHER - 1958


I told my teacher
And my friends
About my brother
He's brand new

His pram is white
With a black hood
And a rose picture
Stuck on the side


It has big wheels
Like a go cart
I have to tippy-toe
To see inside

My baby brother
Smiles at me
Shares my room
And my teddies

I really love him
He's all mine
I tell my teacher
All about him

Mum came to school
To see my work
My teacher asked
About our baby

My mum’s real mad
Said I told a big lie
I can’t go out to play
For a whole week

She hasn’t told my dad
But she will tonight
But it weren’t a lie
I want one
.

.
.




EMPTY VESSELS

You want to speak do you, to say something.
Do you really think that you have something worthwhile to say, something that I would want to hear.

Are you that stupid?
Have you not listened to a word I have said to you?
You have no opinion that is worth voicing, no-one wants to hear what you have to say.
Oh yes, you have tried, I grant you that, and where did it get you eh, just where did it get you?
I have told you time and time again, you do as you are told and everything would have been fine.
Now look at you, sat here in this room full of misfits. Yes, that is what I said, misfits.
People who have to be locked away from society because they are a disgrace, should have been drowned at birth.
Mental institution, no, we don’t need those, just get rid of them.
Do you know how much it has taken for me to come here today, and you mark my words my girl, this will be the only visit I make to this place.
A child of mine, a throwback, that is what you are a mental throwback.
I have done nothing to deserve the disgrace you have brought upon me and your family. 'Can’t cope', you have no idea of what ‘a hard life is’.
I have provided for you since the day you were born, put a roof over your head, food on the table and you repay me like this. I
should have insisted that she had a termination, that is what I should have done, insisted, then I would not be sat here now.

Where is who, Oh, he's gone nurse, left. Well not really left because he had to be here to leave and he never has been. Not really and yet he has always been here, not here with what I needed, but here with what I didn’t, if you know what I mean. It would be funny if it were not so sad.
I feel sorry for him and yet I can’t feel sorry for myself, I feel guilty. Yes guilty, I want him to be happy, to be proud of me. I want to say something that would please him. Talk too much rubbish, that is why he doesn’t listen, it’s OK, he told me too, that I just talk about trash, he does not need to know how I feel, I just need to know how to behave.
Now I cannot utter a single word without hearing him say it will be worthless, a waste of words. So I don’t speak anymore, that is what started all this, why my wrists look like barbed wire, why I can stare and not see. I don’t want any more pills nurse, please no more pills.


Sorry, what did you say? A walk, outside, really, in the grounds, amongst the autumn leaves, do you really have the time, for me, really …
Nurse, that saying on the wall, the one over there look, by the window. It says ‘Empty vessels make the loudest noise’ Would that mean him or me?